I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.