My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?