5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

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Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?


Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.


what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it


*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog


Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’


Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.


In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.


2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.