5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The government even made aliens boring
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no