My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
You Might Also Like
“You drive, I’m tired.”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I could NOT have put it better myself.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.