You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Look at this
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*