Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

when you don’t want to be too vague

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

What my back needs

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.