“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean![]()
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m a self-made hundredaire
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”