My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
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How dude HOW?!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.