You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My blood type is b hungry.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no