Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?