There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
We’ve come full circle
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.