Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that