it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year