Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I ate everything, including the H.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.