Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk