Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Running from your problems is cardio .
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills