The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?