melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.