My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up