God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.