I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with