Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.