What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
6. me as a lawyer
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.