What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”