What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*