6. me as a lawyer
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
A small tragedy.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?