Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.