‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad