Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
No I don鈥檛 have Tourette鈥檚. I just stubbed my toe
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he鈥檇 frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[inventing worcestershire 鈥媠auce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I鈥檓 wearing spanx and i can鈥檛 breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don鈥檛 know why you wore those it didn鈥檛 even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don鈥檛 believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
me linking you to my twitter
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.