Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
You Might Also Like
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
#math
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.