Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.