*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
nyc:
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals