Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I want to meet the individual who made this
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT