Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me My dog
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.