The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.