No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
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i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!