“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
You Might Also Like
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous