stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
when you order from DoorDastardly
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Sunday
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!