What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror