Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”