Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait