I’ll be mad as hell!
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.