if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and