my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”