I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You Might Also Like
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
time for some seasonal decor
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”