I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Word!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl