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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.


The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!


Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”


[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.


Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.


Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow