Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
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[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Important reminders
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.