i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time