Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”