When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
![]()
You Might Also Like
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
![]()
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it