When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory