“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My god she’s good.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table