So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.