boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*puts cutlery down*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.